Fall Comes

Daylight, a little while ago, unfolded itself into a debris-like painting of luminous reflections. During those moments, time simultaneously became a graspable matter, which lacked the most merciful trait such embodiment could ever possess: mortality. It also acquired a strange, aggressive awareness; therefore the faster I wished it to flow on, the thicker it became. As if it wanted to wreak the greatest havoc possible as it went by. It took daylight a great deal to start to dwindle.

The arrival of gloaming did not mean any improvement at all. It has been long since proved that matter is neither created nor destroyed, it is merely changed in form. Daylight gave way to dusk; the latter melted into the tumbling shape time had lately gotten. The coolness that came along with it did not manage to sooth my anxieties, though. Now I have to cope with my fears and inner voids in the dark, in my cold white room--I have always wanted to have a place of my own. I've been given with extra bedclothes to keep me warm... Only physically. I fortunately brought my own clothes so that I didn't have to wear those embarrassing robes they give in places like this--I wish that famous haute couture designers came around and made some reforms for the future. I rarely eat. Some Mr-know-it-all physicians have unsuccessfully tried to sort out what I am now undergoing. Even if I've been quite often visited by people I find myself lonelier as days go by. It is I who doesn't know what the aftermath is going to look like; it is I who cannot be reached by the others' tears, sympathy, and commiseration; it is I who cannot tell anymore if I was unhappier before or after this, since I lost the ability to understand the difference.

Tomorrow they will take me to the surgery room. I guess my parents will be here in a little while. I always thought that people who complained about the gloominess in hospitals decoration were a bunch of morons. Now I see they were right--well, maybe the formaldehyde and ether smells don't help so much change such prejudice. However, as they told me I wouldn't probably make it--doctors can be so tactful in situations like these--I wasn't surprised at all (nor even hurt.) On a second thought, this is not as bad as it looks. I have been feeling there is nothing worthwhile left. I have been orbiting so much around my incompleteness and disillusionment that such new couldn't shock me. In a matter of hours, I will be anesthetized and go to sleep once again. All my cares and worries about everything I have missed, everything I could never have, everything I was waiting for but never came in the right timing, will fade away. Everything will surely end, along with all the pain and internal loss that have remained with me since long. I am kind of tired. I want to sleep now. I guess I can feel certain relief at last.

Gedicht der Woche

I learned this by heart this week. Hope you enjoy it as I did.

Von armen B.B.

I
Ich, Bertolt Brecht, bin aus den schwarzen Wäldern.
Meine Mutter trug mich in die Städte hinein,
Als ich in ihrem Leibe lag. Die Kälte der Wälder
Wird in mir bis zu meinem Absterben sein.

II
In der Asphaltstadt bin ich daheim. Von allem Anfang
Versehen mit jedem Sterbsakrament:
Mit Zeitungen. Und Tabak. Und Branntwein.
Misstrauisch und faul und zufrieden am End.

III
Ich bin zu den Leuten freundlich. Ich setze
Einen steifen Hut auf nach ihrem Brauch.
Ich sage: es sind ganz besonders riechende Tiere,
Und ich sage: es macht nichts, ich bin es auch.

IV
In meine leeren Schaukelstühle vormittags
Setze ich mir mitunter ein paar Frauen,
Und ich betrachte sie sorglos und sage ihnen:
In mir habt ihr einen, auf den ihr könnt nicht bauen.

V
Gegen Abend versammle ich um mich Männer.
Wir reden uns da mit "Gentlemen" an.
Sie haben ihre Füße in meinen Tischen
Und sagen: Es wird mit uns besser. Und ich frage nicht: Wann?

VI
Gegen Morgen in der grauen Frühe pissen die Tannen,
Und ihr Ungeziefer, die Vögel, fängt an zu schreien.
Um die Stunde trink ich mein Glas in der Stadt aus und schmeiße
Den Tabakstummel weg und schlafe beunruhigt ein.

VII
Wir sind gesessen ein leichtes Geschlecht
In Häusern, die für unzerstörbare galten
(So haben wir gebaut die langen Gehäuse des Eilands Manhattan
Und die dünnen Antennen, die das Atlantische Meer unterhalten).

VIII
Von diesen Städten wird bleiben: der durch sie hindurchging, der Wind!
Fröhlich macht das Haus den Esser; er leert es.
Wir wissen, daß wir Vorläufige sind,
Und nach uns wird kommen: nichts Nennenswertes.

IX
Bei den Erdbeben, die kommen werden, werde ich hoffentlich
Meine Virginia nicht ausgehen lassen durch Bitterkeit,
Ich, Bertolt Brecht, in die Asphaltstädte verschlagen
Aus den schwarzen Wäldern, in meiner Mutter, in früher Zeit.

"Once Again I'm In Trouble With my Only Friend"

"¡Oh no! ¡Ya me quedé solo!... Otra vez".
Jordi González (June, 2008)

The last year I had at least more company and more illusions. Today nothing but forthcoming, lonely years await for me.

I don't feel like writing today. Let someone else say it for me.

Flow

Life and time have, in the last four months, proved to be a sequence of people and events that restlessly come and go. New cycles mark the end of older ones, people you've spent a long time with suddenly disappear and you only know they are still among the living thanks to hyper-textual means or chat systems, and so on. This also applies on the closest relatives: my sister's departure--due to work reasons--is just a matter of a couple of days, since she has been accepted in a resort centre in the Caribbean coast. This is not, yet, the first time she leaves us. Over a year ago she went for Australia and stayed ashore--working on a cruiser--for almost four months. Then she came back and now she leaves once again. She's excited about it and I wish her the best of lucks but, I will be lonelier than I already am. She has spent with me the afternoons at home for the last four months and I kind of got used to it. I'm sure I'm going to miss her, since she says to me things that make me feel a bit better in the moments I feel the worst, but now she won't be there to do it. From now on I will have to draw confidence/self-esteem from I-don't-know-where-on-earth (my parents stopped being the main source of them since quite a long while ago.) This time it looks more definite for, once she had worked there for a year, she will be sent abroad, and there she goes off. Only God (or life, or Fate, etc.) knows when we will meet again, as we've done so in my lifetime. Yet I always knew she would have to leave. Some day I will also have to. And I will hopefully meet people I will be befriended with and grow fond of yet, after the cycle is fulfilled, we'll, as it always happens, have to part company.

I just hope I can find someone whose company remains by my side for a long while (for fuck's sake, I'm not begging for all the money and all the power of the world!! I only want to find someone to whom love and requites me in a similar way! Is that so hard to achieve? Am I demanding too much?!)

Trabajo Muy Duro, Como un Esclavo, Páguenme Dinero...

Dios! Ya pasó mucho tiempo desde la última vez en la que salí a divertirme y convivir con los amigos--probablemente no nos veamos en mucho, pero mucho tiempo. Necesito ponerme wasted con más frecuencia, pues no quiero oxidarme. Además, tuve un fin de semana de 6 días. Imangínenlo, al menos ya se me quitaron las ojeras y me vuelvo más rápido, pero quiero divertirme--sólo necesito plata y ya. Si saliera más seguido quizá hasta podría, no sé, conocer a alguien.

I Am All Alone. I'm Growing Bored

"Sometimes I don't know what I'd prefer to be"--And One

Research

narcolepsy. An extreme tendency towards sleepiness often associated with cataplexy, in which sleep onset is accompanied by dreaming. Sleep paralysis and hypnagogic (during the process of falling asleep) hallucinations are accompanying features. Genetic factors have recently been shown to be involved.
>>cataplexy; sleep

cataplexy. The sudden loss of all muscle tone. It is usually associated with narcolepsy.

Cambridge Encyclopedia: the Fourth Edition

Day 2

Wow! Dado que mi trabajo es free-lance, debo volverme más responsable. Me sorprende la capacidad con la que he adquirido mayor rapidez, y tan sólo en una semana. No debo, sin embargo, descuidar la escuela, pues tengo ganas de hacer más cosas en el futuro. A pesar de todo, sigo creyendo que todavía hay algo para mí (aún si hay días en los que quiero que todo termine), por lo tanto debo darme prisa. Si todo marcha como hasta ahora voy a aprender mucho--y a ganar plata, de paso, por lo que tendré que volverme más responsable.