Waving at You

In the end of the day I stand still. I shut my eyes and try to wipe away everything around me. I try to make up a world in which I can get rid of anything I want from my memory but, instead, I want to bring back the images your stare left me. Yet I can't. I know it is not feasible anymore. I could withhold your appearance but sometimes I can't grasp it at all. I break down and don't want to hear about anything in the world. Its loudness muffles my thoughts now and then, and sometimes I manage to forget the things I want to. But none of the outer spirits could ever uproot you from my heart. I still remember your slight movements, your longing eyes, your possibly sweet smile, the shape and the colours of your attire that enhanced the inner beauty I found in you.

Perhaps I wasn't so accustomed to find precious things in my way. Perhaps I wasn't ready for your arrival back then. I don't probably deserved to have you. I don't know why but I could but just see how you moved out of my sight. It's clear I lost you to a series of stupid fears that overwhelmed me. I let you go and down and I haven't forgiven myself since then. You never disappointed me but I did. As I realized of the fact I had lost you my vision was covered by a crystal-like but grayish film that casts a shadow over everything it reaches. I lost the taste of the rainbow from then on. I've been waiting for the end of this sorrow to come but it always stands me up. In the meantime I try to suppress the anxiety so that I can cope with solitude. I attempt to fight the noise in my soul by retreating into more noise not to tell the difference anymore. I cannot bear seeing you are not there. I have missed you for quite a long time. No matter how damn hard I try to stand tall my heart crumbles because of your departure. I just let my best years go by for I can't find some way to enjoy them. Winter came too soon to stay. I cannot bear seeing how your eyes beckon from the distance of log since faded loss. In the moment I finally found you I let you slip through my hands. I felt the true meaning of pain.

The days grow longer as winter reaches its end. In a matter of time the sun will shine even brighter and everything will be the same. I will try to keep on with my life the best as I can. Maybe I will pretend to be fine and reach some goals. These achievements will bring momentarily glory and then the crude hangover will leave a bitter trail of emptiness. Finally they will become a tasteless pill I'll have to swallow. But I won't give you up again. I have lost the chance to be by our side. Last year I tried to say good-bye to you but it was too hard for me. I won't lose the memory you have left me. I have wished to run a million miles away and start all over, but I know I will never dare to see you going out again. Maybe you are out there and will never return to my life, but you managed to engrave a drawing that will never leave me. If I let you down before, my heart will never do it.

Spindrift

A few minutes before dusk I go. My head is throbbing due to endless seclusion and hours of labour. There is no one to meet. There was no reason to stay, though. it is just a matter of chances and obstacles. Off I go, anyway.

I can't help but thinking about such deal for a little while. I walk on and waited for something to happen. I don't hope to run into somebody, and there is no way for something so would happen. I just feel certain need to go and forget about the boredom of the lately days. This stroll is meant to last only a short while. Street noises muffle my thoughts as I see all passers-by go their way, though I don't bother to pay enough attention to them. At my eyes they are just part of a dull city landscape, a colorful shadowplay far too barren to bear expectations, if any. Everything has become so strange and yet so boring. It seems there is nothing worthy enough to attach oneself to. By now I can't think of anyone I want to relate myself with. Everyone is boring. Lack results in numbness, after all. Caring too much about certain things leads to stop caring. Material goods mean nothing to me, since the needs of the moment cannot be satisfied by them.

Somehow, I hover down the pavement, waiting for someone whom I lost after a short while. Maybe I just go out to find out if I could ever meet her, wishing for it to happen--if I stay at home, my chances to see her again become more remote. I know I can't totally rely on an image of hers anymore. She lives now in the deepest part of my memory, so that she is far beyond my reach. I don't find her. I have no helm to do so. In demi-comatose spirits, I just make my way back to my shelter. I navigate under the dim lamplights of the empty streets and ponder about nonsense. Sometimes I can't easily accept that nothing in life is forced to have a purpose, either good or bad. Life in itself conceals no meaning, it is just a glitsch and then you die. I cannot bear this pointlessness, this grayish solitude. Everyday I want to see her. Everyday I lose her. Everyday I have nowhere to go, no one to rely on.

Your image is the only thing that seems to be left for me. Every night, before I fall asleep, I try to make an illusory embodiment from such mirage in whom I can pour all the feelings I have to keep for myself.

Curse!

En estos días las cosas no salen como me gustaría. Ya va hacer un mes de que compré el Ipod y éste sigue burlándose de mí desde su caja, pues no he podido estrenarlo. La raqzón es que mi PC no tiene software original, por lo que no puedo descargar el Service Pack más reciente de la página de Microsoft y así instalar la última versión de Itunes. Me bastaría con tener las licencias de un programa original, pero no he contactado con nadie que me los preste. Además debo hacerle otros ajustes: formatearla de nuevo (lleva funcionando sin descanso desde hace poco más de cinco años), un disco duro externo con capacidad suficiente, memorias USB para guardar respaldos de mis archivos, algunas tarjetas de memoria, un quemador de DVD, etc. Espero poder llevar acabo todo esto antes de mayo. Así quedará como nueva. Mientras tanto, el Ipod se retorcerá de la risa desde su pequeño ataud.

En cuanto a mi salud ocuren ciertas novedades: mi estómago se encoge, por lo que ya no necesito comer tanto como antes--no creo que sea normal, pero sólo el tiempo dirá si es algo malo. Cuando la temperatura ambiental baja mis pies se convierten en dos témpanos. Aunque tampoco recuerdo desde cuándo comenzó a sucederme ésto. Ahora tengo que usar una bolsa de agua caliente para recuperar algo de calor. Y, cuando trabajo, mi mano derecha se enfría demasiado y permanece así por horas. Aún desconozco la razón. Quizá mi ritmo cardiaco tenga algo que ver, aunque mi frecuencia ha sido desde siempre baja (quizá necesite a alguien que la haga acelerar el ritmo). Espero que no sea algo grave.

P.D. Si alguien puede ayudarme con lo de las licencias, se lo agradeceré mucho.

Colder

Before I came home I felt as if I had no need to rush. I didn't think that somebody would be here waiting for me. As I unlocked the door and opened it a huge shadow sprang at me: I only had to turn on the lights to dispel it and the clattering of my keys disturbed the silent atmosphere. "At last I can have a moment for myself," I said, as I saw how I could make use of my leisure time: play some music in the CD player, take a shower, and eat something. It's been a long time since I stayed alone at home.

The sleet outside falls restlessly and the night grows colder. I ignore the reason but everything has lost warmth at all. Yet, it is the first rain of the year and I should be happy about it. I don't find it as an omen, since I already know it will be the same for me, with slight differences, though. Since a couple of hours my body has undergone certain loss of strength, but my heartbeat seems to be fine. This happens to me every time, and I don't see the moment in which this will finish. A cold lamp casts a beam that seems to shine from the distance and I don't blame anyone for leaving me alone at home, but I do the opposite. I have told them many times that if I had somewhere or someone to go to I would leave them, too.

In a matter of hours I will stop working on my graduate's duties, take a cocktail of painkillers and sleeping pills and go to sleep. I am not sure whether spiritual painkillers or sleeping pills exist but I'd really love I had some at hand. I guess the best way to deal with lack of love is trying to ignore it. Everyday I have to go through paths that lead me to nowhere, as I stalk the distance and don't see you waiting for me. Every night I face the uncertainty of the next day, and then deception comes. I know you're still out there but it will be impossible to find you amongst the waves of fear that drove me away from you. I find myself tied by many strings that hang from a branch of a tree in winter. As I try to set me free to go to look for you, the winds swing me back and forth and furl me up even tighter. The coldness claws at my feet and crawls up my body until it reaches my heart and soul. I grow heavier. The strings rip apart and I fall. I lie on my stomach, my hand reaching out. I'm too cold to move and, if I wanted to, I know it wouldn't do any good, for there is no reason to try. My heart beats feebler. Before I tremulously fall asleep in deep stagnation I'd really want to imagine that you come back to me. I'd really love to see you lying by my side, telling me that you had always wanted to find me and that you will never let me go again as you hold my body your arms.

24 Months Later

In that afternoon I drifted through void-crowded streets. The flowing hours urged me to make up my mind and retreat into my shelter. I was not tired at all. Walking directionlessly had not given any fruitful result. Nothing appealed to me; nothing was a reason to stay there. No retains at all. I was going back to the place where I belong, where nothing but the Sabbath of Emptiness waited for me.

I expected nothing from no one. The sunset released the flood of twilight that grew my anxieties. After a long time of waiting for my departure you came in, out of the blue. Immediately, I fell for you. I noticed that you wanted to join your stare to mine. From all the places you could've moved to you stayed close to me. Even if fear made me look aside I felt you seeing me through, though I also felt you meant no harm at all. The clear beauty in your eyes reflected plentiful mildness but deep loneliness, too. Even if your dark hair was tied some fringes hung beside your glance, making it the most perfect to me. I barely was brave enough to look the rest of you and realized of your fragile look, a look I wish I could protect from anything now. The void inside me would have been torn out from me at last, but it managed to hold the grips. I paralyzed. You are the first one who provokes these sort of reactions in me. It took me a few moments to feel for you what I ever felt for female acquaintances of mine in many years. Your slight movements made demands that I was so scared to hear, since I foolishly feared you would show me the cold shoulder if I tried to get close to you. But you would never let me down. It was I who let you down. No matter how much you would have loved me to be close to you I kept my distance.

As you moved out from my sight I tried to follow you, but I stood still, looking at how you went away, how I lost you to my fears. As you walked by a windowed red wall I could truly realize I had let you down. I still don't know why I didn't shook my angst off of me and followed you right away, just to know who you were. Since then you have become the green light of my eyes which I keep beating against the current for. Though I know I will never see you again I still catch you there. I still hold to the hope of finding you again and never let you go away from me. Nobody has been able to fill the gigantic gap your parting left me yet. I still want to find the reason why you momentarily came into my life. I wish I had had back then guts enough to ask you your name. Annette, Irina, Mary Jane, whatever name you could have had I still wish I could hold your hand now. I wish I could sleep in yours at night. I wish I could see your glance and never let it go. When life and circumstances kick me in the teeth, I wish I could be comforted by you as you draw my head onto your lap. I wish you were here to tell me that everything is going to be all right. I would pay you back in the same way, just for being there for me. I wish I wouldn't have to go to my memory just to see you again and find some shining in my life. If I ever see you again, I wish you never went out once I found you. If we ever get to be together, I would totally give myself up to you.

Recall/Recoil

It always happens on Friday, in the late afternoon. In January, more precisely. Though sunlight goes out earlier I can't rejoice. My mistakes from the past come back and haunt me. Almost everyday I cope with one of the most painful losses I've ever experienced. Do they have birthday? Mine's is a matter of days away. Void grows graspable as dates come closer. It comes, it only brings memories back. I just reach out and get nothing.

Artificial memory will never replace humans'. It takes people's minds certain scenery, a particular scent, a specific song to create a perpetual image from somebody or something. Once our feelings mingle with them they produce a deep engraving that nothing could ever remove. Therefore, since our memory does not consist of algorithms or number sequences, we cannot pick anything we want and just erase it. If I could eliminate a picture from my mind, hers would be the one which would go off. It's not that I hate her but her presence didn't give me anything useful or new, but it only brought disappointment. She never hurt me directly, only circumstances did. If I could send her away I wouldn't regret her departure. I'd really like to forget who she is, what I felt for her (if ever), that I ran into her twice. I wouldn't mind at all. Sometimes I feel like I forget her more easily. I can barely remember her face. Your presence, however, causes more sorrow in my life. You came only once, quite fast. I spent, somehow, more time with her, she saw me first and it took me quite long to realize she was doing so. As your stare came across mine I became quite defenseless and scared. I didn't know what happened to me. You kept staring at me but I wrecked. On the second round, when she often eyeballed me I just felt like an inert object of desire in a cupboard. She was the one who needed me, but I didn't care any longer. As you left I knew I would never see you again, but in only a little while I felt for you what I could never feel for her once more in months.

Her presence is not painful anymore. Her contributions are totally null. I don't understand why I still remember something totally useless, but I guess she will fade away soon. If everything goes right she will go out unseen. Her arrival was just a pointless accident, that's it. Yet, you are the one whose transitory stay in my life drowns my existence in deep gloominess. I know I should've gone to you without any hesitation, since I had probably a greater reward to win by just going closer to you. Though your stay means great sadness I would never think of erasing you from my memory to secure my own self-preservation. If I had to go through this just to see you again I would gladly do it. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel this emptiness but, on a second thought I'm glad it is you for whom I am falling. I don't think I could feel this for somebody else. I wish I could see you again, physically. I wish I could know where you are, besides in my memories. But don't worry, I'll personally see that the course of time doesn't take you away from my mind, even if it hurts. I would blindly give up my own tranquility so that you can live on in my heart.

Animal Shelter

Jamás he podidotener una mascota. Más bien no tengo suerte con ellas. Casi al entrar a secundaria tuve un perro que llegó en muy mal momento. Siempre había querido uno pero no fue posible hasta que, un día, mi madre tuvo la idea de comprar uno. Cuando vi que sus intenciones eran serias decidí que no era conveniente, pues siempre he vivido en departamentos pequeños y con pocas condiciones para mascotas grandes, pero ella insistió. Cuando llegó me hacía mucha compañía y jugaba con él. Sin embargo, el pobre animal tenía con una seria enfermedad de la piel. Casi todo el día se quedaba solo y nadie podía encargarse de él, por lo que ensuciaba mucho la casa o mordisqueaba las cosas--una vez se comió mi tarea de matemáticas. A mi hermana nunca le han gustado los perros, por lo que la situación se volvió más dificil. Fue en esos años en los que experimenté por primera vez la depresión, pues algunas circunstancias familiares enrarecieron la atmósfera de mi casa. No había tiempo ni espacio para el pobre animal y, como suele pasar con un ser querido que ya no es bienvenido (o que llegó en muy mal momento) tuvo que irse. Creo que se entristeció mucho, pues podía oirlo aullar desde lejos. Su nuevo dueño lo cuidó bien hasta que, en un descuido, lo perdió. Un tiempo después creí haberlo visto de nuevo, más grande. Al menos eso creo. Tuve depresiones terribles por mucho tiempo y me sentí muy culpable. Ahora pienso que el karma me está haciendo pagar, pues debo admitir que pude y debí haber cuidado mejor a ese perro. Tengo la terrible sensación de que lo abandoné cuando más me necesitaba. Por lo tanto, ahora siento como si estuviera, de algún modo, abandonado.

Un par de años después, cuando viví en provincia, tuve dos de gatos que un familiar me había regalado. La hembra era mayor de tamaño y sometía al macho siempre que jugaban. Se suponía que alguna inmobiliaria nos entregaría una casa con mayor espacio en poco tiempo para poder tener mascotas, pero no fue así. Seguíamos viviendo en un departamento muy chico. Como un deja vu los gatos también tenían una enfermedad de la piel. Me ausenté por un par de semanas y, como buenos familiares incómodos, se deshicieron de ellos. Me caían muy bien esos gatos. Pero tampoco era momento para su llegada.

De vuelta en la civilización tuve un pez beta morado que vivió mucho, creo que poco más de tres años. Al cabo de dicho lapso sus colores se desvanecieron y terminó recostado en las piedras de cristal en el fondo de su pecera. Me pregunté como hubiera sido vivir en una pequeña esfera y olvidar completamente todo lo que me pasara cada cinco minutos. Almacenar imágenes y sonidos fugaces que se disolverían en una semi-eternidad acuosa y frecuentemente transitoria. Su sustituto, de color azul, estuvo año y medio con nosotros, aproximadamente. Quizá el espíritu de su antecesor se quedó rondando por estos lugares y lo invadió. Quizá le transmitió toda su experiencia por medios desconocidos y, consciente de su estado, decidió terminar con el espectáculo de la forma que los peces suelen hacer. O al menos eso pienso, pues no pude dictaminar si el pez se suicidó o "sufrío un pequeño accidente" al tratar de hacer un salto mortal, a solas, para satisfacer su autoestima. Pero, ¿para qué ejecutar una pirueta si nadie la vería? Probablemente todo fue deliberado: el impulso de más, el salto elevado, el "error" de cálculo para caer de nuevo en el agua. Su sucesor sigue por aquí, aunque no estoy seguro por cuánto tiempo.

Los peces no ofrecen gran cosa para sus dueños: no hacen ruido, no los puedes cargar (para eso tendrías que sacarlos del agua y hacerlos creer que se ahogan). Pero tampoco exigen muchos cuidados: sólo darles de comer un par de veces al día y aplicar algunas gotas en su agua para prevenir enfermedades. Los perros, y en menor medida los gatos, son totalmente interactivos. Los perros son animales más leales, más divertidos y siempre están ahí cuando se les necesita. He sabido que también ayudan a acelerar el proceso de sanación cuando estamos enfermos al absorber parte de nuestras enfermedades por cierta ósmosis. Además, gracias a animales como ellos, sabemos que alguien nos necesita, pues siguen siendo seres vivos que también sienten alegría y tristeza. Hace dos años, en este día, volvió a suceder lo de hace más de diez: tuve que darle la espalda a un perro que de verdad me necesitaba. Me dirigía a cierto lugar para hacer un encargo en un barrio relativamente cercano al mío. Al caminar por cierta calle vi a un basset hound buscando algo qué comer. Dada su apariencia descuidada deduje que a) se había perdido o b) su presencia se volvió inconveniente para su dueño y decidió abandonarlo a su suerte. Al pasar junto a él caminó hacia mí pidiéndome, en su lenguaje, que no lo dejara solo. No pude evitar detenerme a verlo por un rato. Si hubiera tenido dinero suficiente en aquél momento le hubiera comprado comida, pero no fue así, pues mis recursos eran más limitados que ahora. Me habría encantado haber podido adpotarlo pero, al igual que hace más de diez años, sigo vivendo en un departamento pequeño. Sé que el basset hound es un perro mediano y que puede vivir en espacios reducidos, pero sigo sin tener las condiciones necesarias para su cuidado. Hace dos años no estaba en las circunstacias idóneas para darle asilo a un perro abandonado, y tampoco lo estoy ahora. Si hubiera podido traerlo a mi casa, tendría a alguien a quien cuidar. No me hubieran importado sus orejas largas, cara triste y cuerpo cubierto de pelo. Tal vez nos haríamos sentir bien el uno al otro. Al menos tendría a alguien a quien abrazar. Estoy seguro que me habría agradecido el no haberlo dejado solo dándome su compañia y mostrándo felicidad al verme llegar. Al menos tendría a alguien que me necesitara.

Magi

The first Epiphany Day I remember was when I was three. The Three Magi brought me three toys: a car (I guess), a helicopter, and I don't remember the last one--all of them were red, blue and yellow, I really liked them. The one I most remember is the helicopter, which seemed to be Fisher-Price, if I am right. This one became my favourite, since it was the first one I put my hands on. It was a cloudy day and I believe it was cold too--back then winter bore more intensely its main feature. Epiphany was, unfortunately, on working day and I had to be taken to the children day-care. Though I liked going to the children day-care it would've been far better if I stayed at home to play with the first gifts ever. I was taken to the day-care, anyway, but I was a bit sad for a little while, for I could meet my back-then friends. We used to play with pretty cool toys there and jump around in the lawns. Even the nurses gave us many candies and chocolates. I discovered lemonade there too--lemonade rules!! Once I got there I forgot about my brand-new toys and spent the day having fun. When my parents picked me up in the afternoon I found my toys on the seats of our car (yes, we had once a car of our own.) Things turned out quite great on that Epiphany day, when the wonderful Three Magi crashed in my home for the very first time and gave me pretty cool stuff. For me the Three Magi rule!! Santa Claus will never beat them!!

I'm glad I still remember the good old days and that I had once happy endings.

First Minutes, Again

Número non. Estoy un poco confundido pues, durante mi estadía en la UNAM, los semestres pares (i.e. 2005-2, 2006-2, 2007-2, y muy remotamente 2008-2) tuve mejor suerte, mejores calificaciones, quizá más esperanzas, no sé. No confío en los nones. Ya no sabré si mi suerte con los pares será la misma que cuando era estudiante.

Le comenté a Sonia vía messenger que una de las ventajas de Año Nuevo es que la TV no es tan inmunda como en Navidad, pues el año pasado dieron la película de Bob Esponja, y después de aquél martes 1 de enero de 2008, ésta se volvió una de mis películas favoritas. Creí que empezaba bien el año, pues, en aquél entonces, las circunstancias de días anteriores minaron profundamente mi autoestima. Es una película muy graciosa, llena de referencias que hasta un joven maduro puede disfrutar. No obstante lloré bastante en una escena: cuando Bob Esponja y Patricio están atrapados en la tiendita de souvenirs y el pescador malo los pone a deshidratar bajo una lámpara. Bob y Patricio se lamentan por no haber recuperado la corona de Neptuno, y admiten que no son más que unos chiquillos indefensos. Desde hace mucho tiempo he cargado con ese sentimiento de vulnerabilidad, de estar expuesto a casi cualquier cosa y quedar como una piltrafa. Sin embargo, he logrado algunas cosas que quizá deberían elevarme la moral, aunque no es suficiente. De una forma u otra me estoy abriendo paso por mí mismo, pero debo hacer más. Al menos pude llevar a cabo los propósitos académicos que me propuse hace un año, con todo y vulnerabilidad anímica.

Y este año no es la excepción, pues también tengo nuevos propósitos que dependen totalmente de mi esfuerzo, y esos sí pueden alcanzarse. Lo demás son deseos que muy probablemente se trunquen y sólo Dios sabe a dónde irán cuando vea que están fuera de mi alcance y se esfumen. De cualquier modo, no está de más desear que se cumplan todas nuestras aspiraciones y expectativas, y si no, pues que al menos se frustren en la menor medida posible. No es malo desear un futuro más luminoso pues, ¿qué nos hace seguir, a pesar de que uno piensa que todo ya está perdido? Debe haber algo mucho mejor que todo esto.