Waving at You

In the end of the day I stand still. I shut my eyes and try to wipe away everything around me. I try to make up a world in which I can get rid of anything I want from my memory but, instead, I want to bring back the images your stare left me. Yet I can't. I know it is not feasible anymore. I could withhold your appearance but sometimes I can't grasp it at all. I break down and don't want to hear about anything in the world. Its loudness muffles my thoughts now and then, and sometimes I manage to forget the things I want to. But none of the outer spirits could ever uproot you from my heart. I still remember your slight movements, your longing eyes, your possibly sweet smile, the shape and the colours of your attire that enhanced the inner beauty I found in you.

Perhaps I wasn't so accustomed to find precious things in my way. Perhaps I wasn't ready for your arrival back then. I don't probably deserved to have you. I don't know why but I could but just see how you moved out of my sight. It's clear I lost you to a series of stupid fears that overwhelmed me. I let you go and down and I haven't forgiven myself since then. You never disappointed me but I did. As I realized of the fact I had lost you my vision was covered by a crystal-like but grayish film that casts a shadow over everything it reaches. I lost the taste of the rainbow from then on. I've been waiting for the end of this sorrow to come but it always stands me up. In the meantime I try to suppress the anxiety so that I can cope with solitude. I attempt to fight the noise in my soul by retreating into more noise not to tell the difference anymore. I cannot bear seeing you are not there. I have missed you for quite a long time. No matter how damn hard I try to stand tall my heart crumbles because of your departure. I just let my best years go by for I can't find some way to enjoy them. Winter came too soon to stay. I cannot bear seeing how your eyes beckon from the distance of log since faded loss. In the moment I finally found you I let you slip through my hands. I felt the true meaning of pain.

The days grow longer as winter reaches its end. In a matter of time the sun will shine even brighter and everything will be the same. I will try to keep on with my life the best as I can. Maybe I will pretend to be fine and reach some goals. These achievements will bring momentarily glory and then the crude hangover will leave a bitter trail of emptiness. Finally they will become a tasteless pill I'll have to swallow. But I won't give you up again. I have lost the chance to be by our side. Last year I tried to say good-bye to you but it was too hard for me. I won't lose the memory you have left me. I have wished to run a million miles away and start all over, but I know I will never dare to see you going out again. Maybe you are out there and will never return to my life, but you managed to engrave a drawing that will never leave me. If I let you down before, my heart will never do it.