Colder

Before I came home I felt as if I had no need to rush. I didn't think that somebody would be here waiting for me. As I unlocked the door and opened it a huge shadow sprang at me: I only had to turn on the lights to dispel it and the clattering of my keys disturbed the silent atmosphere. "At last I can have a moment for myself," I said, as I saw how I could make use of my leisure time: play some music in the CD player, take a shower, and eat something. It's been a long time since I stayed alone at home.

The sleet outside falls restlessly and the night grows colder. I ignore the reason but everything has lost warmth at all. Yet, it is the first rain of the year and I should be happy about it. I don't find it as an omen, since I already know it will be the same for me, with slight differences, though. Since a couple of hours my body has undergone certain loss of strength, but my heartbeat seems to be fine. This happens to me every time, and I don't see the moment in which this will finish. A cold lamp casts a beam that seems to shine from the distance and I don't blame anyone for leaving me alone at home, but I do the opposite. I have told them many times that if I had somewhere or someone to go to I would leave them, too.

In a matter of hours I will stop working on my graduate's duties, take a cocktail of painkillers and sleeping pills and go to sleep. I am not sure whether spiritual painkillers or sleeping pills exist but I'd really love I had some at hand. I guess the best way to deal with lack of love is trying to ignore it. Everyday I have to go through paths that lead me to nowhere, as I stalk the distance and don't see you waiting for me. Every night I face the uncertainty of the next day, and then deception comes. I know you're still out there but it will be impossible to find you amongst the waves of fear that drove me away from you. I find myself tied by many strings that hang from a branch of a tree in winter. As I try to set me free to go to look for you, the winds swing me back and forth and furl me up even tighter. The coldness claws at my feet and crawls up my body until it reaches my heart and soul. I grow heavier. The strings rip apart and I fall. I lie on my stomach, my hand reaching out. I'm too cold to move and, if I wanted to, I know it wouldn't do any good, for there is no reason to try. My heart beats feebler. Before I tremulously fall asleep in deep stagnation I'd really want to imagine that you come back to me. I'd really love to see you lying by my side, telling me that you had always wanted to find me and that you will never let me go again as you hold my body your arms.