Recall/Recoil

It always happens on Friday, in the late afternoon. In January, more precisely. Though sunlight goes out earlier I can't rejoice. My mistakes from the past come back and haunt me. Almost everyday I cope with one of the most painful losses I've ever experienced. Do they have birthday? Mine's is a matter of days away. Void grows graspable as dates come closer. It comes, it only brings memories back. I just reach out and get nothing.

Artificial memory will never replace humans'. It takes people's minds certain scenery, a particular scent, a specific song to create a perpetual image from somebody or something. Once our feelings mingle with them they produce a deep engraving that nothing could ever remove. Therefore, since our memory does not consist of algorithms or number sequences, we cannot pick anything we want and just erase it. If I could eliminate a picture from my mind, hers would be the one which would go off. It's not that I hate her but her presence didn't give me anything useful or new, but it only brought disappointment. She never hurt me directly, only circumstances did. If I could send her away I wouldn't regret her departure. I'd really like to forget who she is, what I felt for her (if ever), that I ran into her twice. I wouldn't mind at all. Sometimes I feel like I forget her more easily. I can barely remember her face. Your presence, however, causes more sorrow in my life. You came only once, quite fast. I spent, somehow, more time with her, she saw me first and it took me quite long to realize she was doing so. As your stare came across mine I became quite defenseless and scared. I didn't know what happened to me. You kept staring at me but I wrecked. On the second round, when she often eyeballed me I just felt like an inert object of desire in a cupboard. She was the one who needed me, but I didn't care any longer. As you left I knew I would never see you again, but in only a little while I felt for you what I could never feel for her once more in months.

Her presence is not painful anymore. Her contributions are totally null. I don't understand why I still remember something totally useless, but I guess she will fade away soon. If everything goes right she will go out unseen. Her arrival was just a pointless accident, that's it. Yet, you are the one whose transitory stay in my life drowns my existence in deep gloominess. I know I should've gone to you without any hesitation, since I had probably a greater reward to win by just going closer to you. Though your stay means great sadness I would never think of erasing you from my memory to secure my own self-preservation. If I had to go through this just to see you again I would gladly do it. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel this emptiness but, on a second thought I'm glad it is you for whom I am falling. I don't think I could feel this for somebody else. I wish I could see you again, physically. I wish I could know where you are, besides in my memories. But don't worry, I'll personally see that the course of time doesn't take you away from my mind, even if it hurts. I would blindly give up my own tranquility so that you can live on in my heart.