Trying to Get Back On

I guess I have found a new way to walk again, though I'm not pretty sure if this will lead me somewhere I can go everytime I need some shelter. But I felt something different as I went that street again, for I had been there many times before to find someone I had since long lost.

Unexpectancy encodes several virtues in itself that cannot be wrongly regarded at all as certain circumstances unfold them through the course of events. Whenever it is aided by spontaneity the result has a deeper meaning, it seems that, once in a while, something is really meant to happen. On Sunday my original plan had been altered by an unexpected lack of vacant seats at cinema, and I thought my day would be ruined. I had never stayed out from a movie, for I always manage to get tickets, even if the function had already begun, but it seems I wasn't meant to be there at all. Time was running out and I couldn't afford to waste it anymore so I rushed to the closest yet smaller cinema complex, to try not to let anything messed my day and got me angry. For a moment I thought of keep walking straight ahead to earn more time, but something told me to turn left on the first corner. In older days I had been there and felt I had lost my way, something that was supposed to be there for me but it had just slipped through my hands. I could still feel the remains of the loss but I just went that way again, just for the sake of it. I walked faster and I couldn't feel nothing, though, for I had been for a long time missing what I never could have.

As I got closer to my destination I could see a slim figure approching towards me. When we got closer to each other I felt I had seen her before: long brown hair, her skin slightly tanned, maybe as tall as me, and she wore a hat and long boots for it was a cool cloudy day, just like autumn days should be. I guess she had the same impression from me for she looked at me too, but the way she stared into my eyes intrigued me. She was quite pretty, and she kept looking at me the closer we were, and I did also follow her eyes. We both seemed to be in a hurry so we didn't stopped, but I couldn't help but thinking how odd things turned to be. Had I found tickets in the first movie complex I would have never walked on that very street and I could have never seen her. Fortunately I did find tickets for the movie I wanted to see and everything went fine. I'm aware I let that girl go but I feel as if now I knew where I can find her, but I didn't have that intense feeling of loss. In a manner of speaking that encounter brought me back the ilusions I had lost in recent years. An unexpected hope gave me back what I needed.

The eyes of a girl walking away from me produced a painful memory that had been bringing me down every time I recalled it. Almost three years later the eyes of a new girl brought me some kind of deliverance from the sorrow of the previous years. I think I would like to meet her again for I know I still have the chance to get close to her, even to find her again. But the most important is that running into her unexpectedly has given me new hopes.

I'm not sure if I'll see her again, though I will try to make it happen. But thanks to her the helplessness of the previous months has decreased a considerable extent. A little bit of wishful thinking does not harm anyone.

Two

Hace poco más de dos años llegó Rafa, un pez beta que sustituyó al anterior que decidió acabar con su tediosa existencia, sólo para adornar mi casa. Alguna vez escuché que la memoria de los peces tiene un plazo máximo de cinco minutos. El olvido constante podría traer numerosas ventajas y desventajas, pero no podría imaginar olvidar todo lo que sé cada cinco minutos, aunque a veces desearía que así fuera. No sólo una vez he escuchado que olvidar es la única forma de garantizar la auto-preservación, al menos de la supervivencia emocional. En cierta forma, la evolución de las especies no opera al azar después de todo, pues si los peces tuvieran memoria a largo plazo se suicidarían más seguido... o quizá vivirían más en su medio ambiente. De cualquier forma, hoy fue el último día de la existencia acuosa de Rafa.

Entiendo que el periodo de vida máximo de estos peces no rebasa los dos años--si viven tres, ya es demasiado--pero con su deceso no pude evitar recordar dónde estaba y cómo era mi situación aquellos días en los que Rafa llegó a casa. Comenzaba el último año de mi carrera y todo parecía ir bien, en cierta forma. Mis estudios ocupaban la mayor parte de mi tiempo y no podía trabajar ni tener mi propio dinero, pero la verdad no me molestaba, pues sucedió un reencuentro que me había emocionado de gran forma. Los temas de mis clases me entusiasmaban mucho, pues cada semana aprendía cosas nuevas e interesantes. Incluso la relación con mis amigos de aquél entonces adquirió mayor cercanía. Mis días eran largos pero valía la pena estar despierto. Por desgracia, un suceso específico truncó parte de mis expectativas y eso cambió la forma en la que ahora veo las cosas. No puedo culpar a nadie sobre las consecuencias actuales de los eventos, sino que las circunstancias se acomodaron para frustrar parte de mis anhelos. Si se hubieran cumplido o no, el resultado fue el mismo. Las cosas jamás volverán a ser iguales. Ya no podré volver a verlas bajo la misma luz porque descubrí cómo son realmente. No pude evitar perder el interés en las cosas que solían complacerme, e incluso llegué a perder el interés en volver a la escuela, pues cualquier cosa que hiciera, cualquier logro que alcanzara, no sería más que un trago insípido. El resto de mi último año de estudiante transcurrió bajo una cortina gris y con un dejo de amargura en los que la desilusión continua neutralizó todo a mi alrededor. No obstante obtuve el mejor desempeño académico que había conseguido en ocasiones anteriores.

Han pasado dos años desde que Rafa llegó. Estoy a unos pasos de terminar mi trabajo de titulación. Ya obtengo dinero por mis propios medios. Mis antiguos amigos y compañeros de carrera sólo dan señales de vida en medios hipertextuales y en redes sociales; paso la mayor parte de mis días por mi cuenta, salvo algunas reuniones esporádicas. Parece que el deceso de mi única mascota ha marcado el fin de un ciclo, después de todo.

La memoria a corto plazo más conveniente sería aquella que pudiera aplicarse en algunos casos. Desafortunadamentlas cosas no pueden ser así. En ocasiones cinco minutos pueden durar cinco años.

Book

They keep calling me. However hard I try to stay at bay they always reach me. People from the furthest past traced me and now they know how to get me. The others from the closest one manage to spot me and never let me go--even those I never thought they'd be interested in keeping in touch. I didn't decline their offer, though, just by kindness. But I never looked for them, for I never force situations.

Still, it just happens by accident.