True Nature

I'm not sure any longer. I don't even know how this could happen. Maybe it is part of my ill-humoured charm but I always let down the women who, somehow, stick around me. If all the women that are/were related to me were surveyed about what they dislike form tme the most, I'm sure they would list certain aspects. Though I never pretend to do so, I'm just too oblivious to notice in time, then it's way too late to make up things and, therefore, as I realize even later everything's lost, I just do nothing. In the past there were girls who many times did attempt to get me but I played dumb at them --one of them went as far as to say to me that I was only a child, though I pretended again.

I used to believe that I was afraid of rejection. After these thoughts I discovered I am even more afraid of being taken by someone. I'm scared of where this acceptance could lead me to, if it ever leads me somewhere. As this women's yearning bursts at my eyes I feel a strangeness and then conceal myself behind an indiference blind. I always hold back from them and they can ever get me. However, I sometimes would like to wipe away this pattern and let myself being taken, but maybe I haven't found someone for whom I would ever try to get over this fear. Once I found someone for whom I should have tried to make the difference but I didn't do it --I still regret it though. On a second thought, if I never did it for her, why should I then do it for somebody else?

I guess that, after all, I don't want to be taken.