Why? Or Why Bother, Rather?

How all this could happen is a quite silly question, since it just happened and that's it. Whether I learned something from it I'm not sure at all--if there ever was something to learn. It seems that fate furnished nothing but void events for me. I had met her once before. It all began three years ago, though I guess she was the one who started it all (I firmly believe she noticed me first.) Back then I wasn't looking forward to find a sort of romantic interest or whatsoever. I wasn't even sure she could possibly like me. Yet I realized she always liked me, indeed. Her faraway stare let me know it. But it was quite late and I never saw her again.

During that time I lost her trace. Once in a while I wished to find her again so that I would go closer to her and find out if something between us could happen. I waited for that moment to come but fate stood me up, and she never came back. Thanks to the help of some of my friends, I unfortunately realized of the plentiful cons that solitude always brings along. This just woke up in me but a kind of chronic depression that loneliness has caused me ever since. From then on I began to linger in the all-that-could-have-been crap. This newfound feeling brought nervous sighing, slight tremors, panic attacks, and the recurrent yet bothersome need of being hugged that never is fulfilled. Her absence lasted almost two years and, if she ever showed up, it only happened twice at most.

Yet I never knew if I really felt certain love for her. Just because I wanted to meet her again didn't mean I was actually in love. Probably I just felt attracted to her just because she was good-looking and she liked me. Maybe her reaching my vanity nerve (yes, I do have vanity of my own, though not a Gargantuan-like one) was what appealed to me. At the beginning of the next year, however, something really changed in me. One day, after I drifted through the streets and was finally bound home I fell in love at first sight--the first time ever, I'm sure. This girl had something that the other one never had--since it took me quite long to notice she was there--though I can't explain what it was: I had previously ran into pretty girls that never made me feel anything at all. But this one touched me indeed. She immediately and literally took my heart away. As she looked me into the eye a sudden vulnerability overwhelmed me and bad nerves screwed everything up. The innate Joycean paralysis in all of us woke up wide in me and I couldn't do anything. She only kept looking at me, trying to pull me towards her, waiting for me to talk to her. She slipped through and went away. Yet this time was far worse, since I had no guts enough to ask her her name. I know the street on which all this took place, though. I still go there to find her, but life doesn't allow me to meet her. Nobody has ever made me feel something like that. Since then I've never felt something similar for anybody else again. She ran deep in me. I only saw her once, never knew her name, I still remember how she looked--tall, slim, brown hair in a ponytail, long fringes falling on her forehead, big bright reddish-brown eyes, wine red blouse and skirt--and am still in love with her. The worst of all is that she liked me but I let her go (if someone wants to beat the crap out of me due to this, you can do it freely, I promise I won't hit back, since I do deserve it.)

Yet, six months later, just as I had given up any hope and accepted solitude as the main plot in my life destiny (back then I thought it really did) brought the girl whose trace I lost ca. two years before. In those days I found that quite foreboding --in the good sense--, for I was completely sure she'd never come back. And more surprisingly struck me the fact that she still liked me. How did I notice it? Someone said that the first kiss comes through the glance. I can really notice when someone likes me. But this time, her glance was much more intense than two years before. There was no way to mistake it. This time, without caring about the aftermath, I moved closer to her. I managed to know some aspects of her life: what she liked, what she did, the usual suspects we always go after when we look for some love. I really thought I would have something nice to remember from her. But life prepared anything for me but love, after all. She let me down in the end, though she never did it straightforwardly. I can perfectly take hints. I did not even felt hurt enough to show her my anger, though I asked her some questions to tie up some loose ends. She only changed the subject and never looked me into the eye. After that I only turned around and stepped out of her sight. I didn't want to talk to her either. I started to believe that, after all, I made her feel uneasy as I tried to approach her. Thence my abrupt withdrawal.

After everything that happened since the last year I suppose I deserve it. I've never seen the girl whom I let go off me again. The memory of her eyes and shape causes me pain every day, but I can't stop remembering her. It's the only way I have to feel I'm by her side. Maybe she was sad and lonely just as I find myself now and found in me a chance to fill her needs and emptiness, which had to remain so thanks to my stupidity. I guess I'm the biggest loser, since maybe she found someone else later (it is quite easy to fall in love with her.) Later I went closer to someone else who only liked me, yet never wanted me. Whether she only found in me the best way to make bigger both her ego and vanity or she somehow felt something for me is totally irrelevant now. After the disappointment she tried to catch my attention back and make things just like they were before, but I had no will to fall for it any longer. Maybe I was a bit drastic to her but, later, fate demonstrated that nothing between us would ever happen.

Why did fate bring her back to my life? To show me that I and she would never be together? To make me feel worse than before? To teach me something useful? I'm afraid there never was something new or positive to learn. I don't feel better, but I bear her no grudge. I do grudge destiny, who brought into my life pointless flashbacks. Whether she liked me or not that doesn't matter anymore. By the last things I saw she would have liked to share something with me but, perhaps she was not in the best of moments to do it. Before the deception above mentioned, I did feel we had common interests and likings. I perceived certain empathy that could've led to a better outcome--she even laughed out louder than anybody else at my silly jokes, and more than once. There was some of the so-called chemistry. Maybe she was the one for me. Maybe we could have been quite happy. Put simply, she came back in the wrong time. It's not good when the right woman comes to your life when she is not meant to. Or is it that I was the right one for her but I came in an awkward moment? It makes no sense at all. Though I guess that I shouldn't try to make sense of all this. Nothing is forced to have a reason to be. I have nothing left but moving on and just letting things happen.