I

While I type this first post of the year I remember I made no new year resolutions. Not that I usually make them, but I think I should stick to this odd habit. Yet I couldn't think of none of them, except for the comment of my own translated version of the novel I want to finish my studies with.

In the last three months and last few minutes of the year people from the remotest past came back to haunt me, just to remind me I left a somehow quite deep, traceable track behind me. I can't think of anything else but of those dead souls that seemed to be behind the thick blind of time, which casts a wide shadow upon them and erases their faces until no trace of them remains in memory. Those dead souls, however, just keep calling me from the closest distance, even if I play deaf I still can hear their summoning. However hard I try to avoid such encounter someday I will have to meet them. Maybe I will get the courage to face them and to find out what I missed, if anything; I'm quite afraid it will result in a slight disappointment, for the messages they have so far sent me bring nothing of my interest. I will have anyhow to show up, for they also have expectations about me, so if I show up and unintentionally let them down their wishful thinking will dispel. The greatest beauty in this situation is that I'm not meant to see them again if I don't feel like doing so.

I remember when I used to care about the things I wanted before, though. The Three Magi from the East came around five days ago but they left me no presents--well, I didn't ask any for I couldn't think of something I wanted by the moment. What I would have wanted would have required a bigger power and, as far as I know, they are the Three Wise Men and, even if they also reached holiness, they bear no liability to work any miracle. Though I still keep plentiful memories of them from the good old days and recalled them on the consecrated day of their visit. I remember they used to drop by my house and leave wonderful presents accompanied by a great atmosphere of magic. Thanks to their efforts I was happy many times in my childhood. Sometimes I miss that magic. The faith I had in it as a child doesn't compare to anything nowadays and will never come back under the same shape. I still remember how I experienced the magic of such day and, despite time, it will stay. Certain images of such times have not whithered but time bleached the magic.

Two years ago I asked them the chance to find the pet I could've had the previous year but I let go. I also begged them for enough luck to find the girl I saw once and for whom my heart has been longing for but I also let go. Unlike my childhood days I did make a promise of retribution: if they granted me such petitions I would try harder to be a better person to anyone. Back then I would've loved to feel the magic again but the presents I wanted seemed to be out of their reach. They can't turn back time; they can't make up for the mistakes I made before; they can't protect me from the consequences of what I did (from what I did not do, in this case); they can't prevent the loneliness I have to face; they can't protect from heartbreak. I know if they could help they would gladly do it.

I occasionally miss some parts of the past, magic for example.