Sanctuary Is Over

Lately I've been losing ground. Sleep was my only redoubt in which I could find some peace but, I'm not sure whether I can rely on it any more. Every time I manage to remember my dreams I'm tossed into a maze inside my head. Some of them don't work so, and leave but funny souvenirs.

In other dreams, however, I find myself in the most absurd situations I could ever think of. I don't mind watching such bizarre parade or even taking part in it, as long as it features no relatives' deaths or the like. If I play certain role in them, sometimes I even realize that everything around me is but a mirage. After such discovery the illusion loses its realism.

I often run into the friends I used to meet from both the closest and the farthest old days, in the oddest situations, too. Sometimes I can see how my feelings reflect in the plot, reminding me of my current situation and how I can't cope with it. Once, I had to quickly grow up and take care of a toddler, with whom I immediately became fond of and whose mother I ignore who could have ever been, whereas certain girl, who disappointed me and has given but feeble life signs, stalked me and stuck around.

My dreams, all in all, cannot shelter me from my pains and worries anymore. I wish I could dream with someone I like but, I'm not in the best of positions to beg for hopeful dreams. The German word for dream, "Traum", resembles quite much "trauma", and the linguistic and conceptual differences seem to melt into each other in this case. The sort of dreams I occasionally undergo reawaken certain feeling I thought I had long since forgotten (or things I wanted to.) My dreams may deal with the rarest themes I could never see in neither fiction nor sci-fi. Both people I've known and people I've ever seen break into them. The worst of all is that, since the very moment I fell in love with her and then lost her, I have never had a dream in which she showed up, nor even once. I have seen every kind of masquerades and all people I have met have, in many ways, performed in them. But the one I love has never made any kind of guest appearance. I must be wide awake to remember her but she never comes around during my sleep.

I have tried to prepare the whole scene just in case she visits me. I have tried to image her lying by my side, holding me as I fall asleep. I have wondered how warm her arms could be. I have been waiting for too long to meet her just once. I have long since been asking her to come for me but she has never answered my calling. I have seen everyone but her, as though she had never played a main role in my life. I don't find her awake. I don't even find her in my dreams. I'm afraid that, in the end, I will let her go again.